I’m not going to claim that toxic people will suck your energy, leave you dead on the ground with a body without bones and you should avoid them at all costs because you are an amazing human being with so much to offer and your life should be filled with joy and happiness 24/7. You should take photos of your morning coffee and enjoy the tiny mosquito that just happened to be feasting on your cookie. Be thankful for every single minute of your life. In a nutshell ; ‘Keep smiling even when you have a knife stabbed on your back’ as my father says.(thanks dad)
The truth is, most ‘life coaches, hearty heart people, personal development gurus – don’t know where they get a certificate to do all of those‘ claim your life should be an endless train of joy filled with roses and clowns all there to make your miraculous existence as extraordinary as possible’.
The world doesn’t revolve around you and the whole Eco system and the artificial system we have built as human beings don’t care whether you are happy or not. It wasn’t designed for your individual happiness and even if it was, you couldn’t possibly be happy-go-lucky all the time. We have many more layers to live with and in every pain there is pleasure and in every pleasure there is pain…
There are many people out there who take satisfaction from pain and playing the victim. whether it is pain afflicted from them to you or from you/the environment to them.
Most of them will actually feel the most alive and cared about when they can get attention, good or bad. I’m not saying drop people who have problems and go smell the flowers in the park instead. But, if you realize there is a certain pattern that is repetitive, you can acknowledge you are in a losing battle.
Some characteristics of such people are
(those are only my opinions, I might be wrong here, take it with a grain of salt)
- They blame everything on everyone, their surroundings and don’t take any action to change. They are too lazy to do so and complaining non stop keeps them in the ‘look at me, poor me’ victim mode where they can get pity and sympathy by sitting on their asses. Oh and when you are in that mode, nobody wants to challenge you or point out your shortcomings, because well, who wants to look like a total douche bag who hits someone already down. Don’t mistake them with someone going through a tough time who could use your help or just wants a shoulder. Those are real people, stay close and lend a hand but avoid the chronic blamer/complainer. If reality is not enough, they will reinvent stories to deepen their victimization. No matter what you do, you will not be good enough. Walk away as their tears are rolling down their cheeks and be ready to be labeled as an ungrateful bitch/jerk. After all they have done for you, how could you?? how?? (insert hysteria)
- They pop up when they need you. Those are not necessarily toxic people but still, you want to be careful since they will use anything and everything in their advantage. Be ready to shut up around them, don’t give more than you take and pop up when you need them. you will have a great bloodsucking relationship. win -win. Don’t take them seriously. Don’t take it personal.
- They manipulate. They come up with ideas and force them down your throat, they act as if they have given you a lot of thought and now they have ideas about what you should and shouldn’t do. They want what is best for you. So, they have given you a lot of thought? How important you must be (1st ego strike and one guard down). Aww, they want the best for you (2nd strike, one more guard down). The difference between a genuine person and a manipulator is ‘genuine people speak out their ideas but give the same value and respect to yours, they don’t spoon-feed you their agenda. They agree to disagree. They know that every person is basically different and they try to be there for you instead of controlling your actions. Simply listen (if you have to) nod and forget about it. You might have some insight or bits of useful information here and there so consider those, but don’t sink into it. Don’t let anyone control your actions. Be an adult and make up your own mind even if it is wrong.
- They project their feelings onto you. Such as, if they are pissed at you, instead of communicating, they will press your buttons to make you react, then claim you are pissed. After a while you will be a puppet of your emotions and they will be the puppet master. Don’t forget that having such effect on you feeds their ego. You are pissed off, so you must care. Mission accomplished. Simply state what’s going on with you and what you think. Stay calm. When it gets too intense, walk away. Get up, get out, go away. Nobody has the right to yell at you, make your day miserable or make you feel bad. If they can’t hold an adult conversation, they are not worth having a conversation with.
- They will expect full commitment. You might have work to do, might have lessons to attend, a family emergency or simply you might be in a mood to go out and do some bar-crawling. It doesn’t matter. They expect you to be there whenever is appropriate FOR them, even if it is not important or last minute. Drop everything and run to them. Anything less than that will cause victim mode (see no 1) or fury. Unless you want to be running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off, stop trying to please everyone. It never ever works. You will lose your self-respect on the way and guess who will make you feel better again (Yes, nailed it!! The toxic, with his/her conditional love and care. So you can now come and take your treat from my hand Bobby.. good Boy!!)
- They will never ever apologize. Apparently someone once told them apologizing is a sign of weakness. So they will go to extreme lengths to be right, even make up lies, dig stories from 2 years ago to justify their actions, and get incredibly emotional to prove their point (the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care, right?). They will go on and on and on… That will also end up in you pushing your memory limits to such extent that you will get a headache, you will be sitting there thinking ‘oh my god! I’m such a horrible person, I did that, really?’ Now you have to make up for the imaginary scenario that took place a while ago. Stop digging the past and focus on the present. Even if they had a point (and in most cases they don’t) not communicating the problem and holding a grudge for so long is just sad. That means you will have to walk on eggshells the whole time and try to make up for something you don’t even remember. And believe me, it will repeat itself, over and over again. So stay in the present. Don’t let the toxic drag you into the mud. You don’t always need an apology and sometimes an apology is just worthless. Don’t expect it or jump through the hoops for it. Simply know what you are dealing with and move on. It is not worth your time, go do something productive.