Needless to say, I have spend most of my childhood and adolescence saying ‘yes’ and ‘OK’ to whatever was brought to the table.
Mainly because when you are a minor, you don’t have many options to choose from and every objection you make seems like a worthless effort to prove you are an individual in need of respect.
Sadly, the same habit lives on as you age, but this time you say ‘yes’ to not break any hearts, not to seem like a total brat or mainly because ‘no’ is not acceptable unless it is followed by a bunch of excuses about ‘why you simply can’t do such and such…’.
That poor point of view cost me a lot. First of all, the first time I was by myself without any parent present and my main responsibility was to go to school, I spent endless days and nights with very nice people whose whole idea of fun was pretty far from mine. Damn, I even spent hours on clubs, trance parties and trendy pubs trying to enjoy the music, smile and act like I was having fun, ’cause back then, that was my only option to hang out with a crowd, make friends and to get along.
So eventually, as the whole deal led to hours of ‘faking down to the bone’, not being able to enjoy the niceness of those people because I was too busy holding my breath or downing glasses of liquor, I finally found a way to breathe. That was to stay alone as much as possible and to cope only when I were around people. I’m not just talking about music here, it’s the scene, the attitude, the nods, relationships, daily struggles, ideas, hidden agendas… etc.
If we have to get all mental about it; might be caused by the fact that, in my family, whenever I wouldn’t do something I was asked to do, the silent punishment would be to ignore my existence which would later lead to apologies from my side in order to gain back the attention. In times of ‘fuck it all’ I would not show any emotion or effort to get back in the line and as time passed by, it would be OK. Or not.
After a lifetime of playing nice, I found another way, even worse, Lying. Whenever I wanted to just say no, I would say it, then feed the other person with a bunch of lies such as being ill, being too busy or simply being committed to another promise.
But then again, that was a long time ago.
Now, I’m working on saying ‘NO’ without any excuses followed and I wonder how that would be.
Something really simple like;(that happened 4 days ago)
– I have this video that needs to be translated but I’m sick and I was wondering if you could handle that.
– Really, I’m really sick and that needs to be done til tomorrow before they get into the studio…. blah blah blah.
– No (discard Mainly because you are not sick, in fact you are pretty far from being sick, I don’t have time for it, and even if I did, I would rather spend it working out, reading, going for a walk or meeting some friends. There are other people who can do it, if not, call the office and tell them what you just told me)
At that point I’m sure she thinks I’m a bitch, but if I did say yes, I would hate myself and grind my teeth the whole time, get a headache or get sick in the stomach ( I seriously get those symptoms, my tolerance limit must be up) So I’d rather be called a B.